FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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