You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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