I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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