He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
