I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
