First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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