Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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