Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
