You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
