Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
