I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
