theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Small penises have feelings too.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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