my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
