piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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