Soap is not a condiment
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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