and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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