Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
