woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
