There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
