Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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