you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
