All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
