I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
