i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
