Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want to fling myself into the sun
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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