I can text with my tongue
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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