Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
