How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
