the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
