Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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