Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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