I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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