Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
