I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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