I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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