Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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