Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
worst night to have a conscience
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
