I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
