i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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