Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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