bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
