I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
