you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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