My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
