Your favorite bartender is back from prision
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
