There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
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