I met the friendliest cop last night
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
