he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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