Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it hurts more in the daytime
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
