Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
