We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
