Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
