i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
