hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Text me some of your sweat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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