I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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