Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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