You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
